|
Post by Steffie on Dec 16, 2008 0:35:17 GMT 1
Short Summary: Karla is a teenage girl living a normal teenage life until....Karla has become ill which she thinks is just a common cold. When she has less and less energy and feels this isn't a cold she goes to the doctors. The one visit changed her life forever Links: Intro- Chapter 1- Chapter 2 will be out soon!! ;D
|
|
|
Post by gems on Dec 17, 2008 15:00:58 GMT 1
I thought the intro was pretty good Your photos looked great and I really liked the coverpage But you switched a lot of your tense.. For example, your very first two sentences contradict each other: I lie in my hospital bed looking out the window. I had a perfect view of a huge park. From the first sentence 'lie' is present tense. But the second sentence 'had' is the past tense. It should read: I was lying in my hospital bed, looking out of the window. I had a perfect view of the huge park. --> Both in the past tense. Another example: It was the 3rd week of June and today was just like every other day.Should either read: It was the third week of June and began just like another, very normal, day. --> Past tense or It's the third week of June and today starts just like every other day. ---> Present tense Also, I don't think much of your proofreader. There are some misspelled words such as 'toke' is spelled 'took'. And I think the plot is a little rushed. I know it's an introduction but you could have dragged out some scenes. Like at the doctors, when she's going through tests. The doctor mentions that she is going to have her bone marrow tested... that's a pretty painful procedure. It would hurt. But yet, you skip quickly from him talking about getting the needle to the tests suddenly being over and them coming back to the doctors for the results. I think it would have been a more effective scene if you showed the characters bravery in going through all those tests and then the long, drawn out wait for the results. The worry and fear the family undoubtedly would be going through, wondering what the doctor would find out.. Do you see what I mean? Hope I helped and do keep writing
|
|
|
Post by Dr.Lucy-Rose is back on Dec 19, 2008 17:51:38 GMT 1
I hope the second one is out soon, this is highly believable! I mean, anybody in that situation would want to get away with it, and as for her friends reaction i believe most of my friends would react the same if i had been in hr situation! I am really enjoying this! Please, get chapter two out soon ^^
|
|
|
Post by Steffie on Dec 20, 2008 0:59:23 GMT 1
Chapter 2 will be out soon!! Hopefully... I have the writting done. I just need it to be proofreaded and take the pictures so I'm going to say it will be out in the next 2 weeks! ;D
|
|