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Post by ayyalicia! ↵ on Oct 19, 2008 15:23:21 GMT 1
I figured that I'm probably going to base a story off of this eventually, but I have to slowly get in the swing of The Sims 2 once again. Be harsh, but in moderation. I know there are probably some type of grammatical errors, and I'll get them eventually. Thanks for your opinion in advance!
My apologies if this is placed in the wrong board!
The luminescent lighting gently bounced off the facade of the venue; the atmosphere slowly starting to strangle the familiar silence by the throat. Loan bodies propped up on flickering street lights like unused puppets, only to send a faint look at the people who pass-by with a concerned look lingering in their eye. Silence was never so golden on this lone street. The only sound was the trickling of gutter water from the rain the night before. Surging through the veins of these lone people were just the heroine injections that got them here in the first place. The constant need for an adrenaline rush sent these people onto the most hostile streets, only to be brought back by a venue with as much hope as a leukemia patient. Though the building stood proud: constantly having music seep out through the windows and the cracks in the tampered walls. The hopeful musicians that step foot to this haven everyday are begging for a chance that everyone else couldn’t offer, that everyone else refused to offer.
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Post by gems on Oct 19, 2008 15:40:31 GMT 1
Oooo this passage instantly got my interest! I'm going to go straight into a critique though, if you don't mind Good points: -You really concentrate on giving the reader a sense of everything. Sight/sound...even the atmosphere, it's really quite creepy lol but in a totally awesome way -The subject you are writing about is also really intriguing. Not so good (but not terrible either) points: Some words sound a little out of place. For example, 'facade' doesn't mesh well for me. I would have preferred reading: The luminescent lighting gently bounced off the drab walls of the venue; the tense atmosphere slowing starting to strangle the hush of silence until it was more of a whimper. Also, when you use a description as awesome as describing the crowd as 'unused puppets' (which i <3 btw), drag it out a bit more. Maybe you could describe them acting like puppets, just hanging around, lifelessly or something. Maybe they have a dead look about their gaze...you could connect a lot more description to add to the idea that they no more than puppets on string. And then what is the string that makes them move again? Perhaps then would be a good time to introduce the idea of an addiction, the heroine brings them back to life, the drug acting like string, controlling them. I'd be interested to read more though, just giving you some suggestions on improvement but overall I found it a good opening passage and the style of writing was really different and interesting
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Post by ayyalicia! ↵ on Oct 19, 2008 15:49:13 GMT 1
Good points: -You really concentrate on giving the reader a sense of everything. Sight/sound...even the atmosphere, it's really quite creepy lol but in a totally awesome way :D -The subject you are writing about is also really intriguing.
Hahaha! Yeah, it can be interpreted as creepy, I'll give you that one. It's kind of ironic how I'm not that creepy oO I'm quite bubbly, oh well. Haha (:o And Thank you, it's probably going to end up being based around the musicians of some sort. I'm still working out all the details. I haven't seen much of those. I usually see the cliche highschool story. :/
Not so good (but not terrible either) points: Some words sound a little out of place. For example, 'facade' doesn't mesh well for me. I would have preferred reading: The luminescent lighting gently bounced off the drab walls of the venue; the tense atmosphere slowing starting to strangle the hush of silence until it was more of a whimper. Also, when you use a description as awesome as describing the crowd as 'unused puppets' (which i <3 btw), drag it out a bit more. Maybe you could describe them acting like puppets, just hanging around, lifelessly or something. Maybe they have a dead look about their gaze...you could connect a lot more description to add to the idea that they no more than puppets on string. And then what is the string that makes them move again? Perhaps then would be a good time to introduce the idea of an addiction, the heroine brings them back to life, the drug acting like string, controlling them.
When you put it that way, I can see what you mean. Totally understandable! I'll make sure to go into some detail about it and try to reword as much as possible. Thanks for the insight. <3
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Flyer †∞
Tasteful Tourist
...Vulgar is often told to be something bad...
Posts: 7
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Post by Flyer †∞ on Oct 25, 2008 13:59:09 GMT 1
I like you excerpt very much ^_^! Seriously. I agree with gems, she made some great points I haven't seen before XD.
Tho it is a bit 'hard' to read(yes, I is a freakin' foreign kid). You don't have to change the use of your words and style, so please don't, cause it sounds awesome. Just maybe shorten a few sentences?
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Post by ayyalicia! ↵ on Oct 25, 2008 16:57:58 GMT 1
I like you excerpt very much ^_^! Seriously. I agree with gems, she made some great points I haven't seen before XD.
Hahaha! Yes, she did. But that's why I asked! I'm completely oblivious to things sometimes, and I want it to be perfect (; But I'm glad you like it!
Tho it is a bit 'hard' to read(yes, I is a freakin' foreign kid). You don't have to change the use of your words and style, so please don't, cause it sounds awesome. Just maybe shorten a few sentences?
Haha. I'll see. I'll try to put some of Gems suggestions in, but still keep it somewhat the same. I'll try my best to base it off the original, promise! <3
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Post by Simply "V" on Oct 26, 2008 16:02:33 GMT 1
Ayyalicia you have a really good foundation to build on and I was impressed with your gritty details and description of the addicts and their surroundings. I think gems hit the nail straight on the head and gave really good advice, remember to keep your audience in mind as well. When posting a Sims story you're posting to a global community so remember to make things as clear as possible. This can be a little tricky when trying to be true to your surroundings but I'm more than certain you're up to the task. Keep us posted 'kay?
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Post by ayyalicia! ↵ on Oct 26, 2008 20:15:17 GMT 1
Ayyalicia you have a really good foundation to build on and I was impressed with your gritty details and description of the addicts and their surroundings. I think gems hit the nail straight on the head and gave really good advice, remember to keep your audience in mind as well. When posting a Sims story you're posting to a global community so remember to make things as clear as possible. This can be a little tricky when trying to be true to your surroundings but I'm more than certain you're up to the task. ;) Keep us posted 'kay?
Thanks for the advice! This story was going to be just for my eyes, so converting it, I hope, won't be too hard! And I definitely will. I think I'm going to need a lot of proofreaders who will also make suggestions so look out for that board in the coming weeks (:
Thanks again, everyone!
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